Introducing Outwines’ First (and Possibly Last) Ever Guest Blogger . . .

Hello wine world, Hubs here.   In less than a week I will be attending the Wine Bloggers Conference in Walla Walla, Washington together with Mrs. Outwines.  I mean, I’ll actually be attending the conference itself, like sitting in on lectures and stuff, not just hanging out in the bar at the Marcus Whitman watching college football while waiting for Noelle.  My attendance may seem a little strange due in part to the fact that I don’t know anything about wine and I don’t…well…you know….blog.  Despite these minor impediments, I am looking forward to a terrific weekend in EWA (shorthand for “Eastern Washington” – I married a local girl who also taught me about the nearby nuclear reactor and state penitentiary).  But believe me when I tell you that the wine from this part of the world is absolutely amazing.

When I first asked Noelle if I could “guest blog” on Outwines for the week of the conference she summarily rejected my offer.  I mean, she didn’t even give it a second of thought before “hell no” tumbled out.  What followed was a protracted negotiation between husband and wife that hammered out the most minute details that would ultimately allow me to rent space on Outwines so that I could actually participate as a wine blogger.  The final mutually agreed upon rules of the road – negotiated with such vigor that the Yalta Conference paled in comparison –  are as follows:

Her 5 Rules of the Road:

Rule #1:  Noelle has full editorial control.   This isn’t much of a derivation over our last 20+ years of marriage so I’m not particularly concerned about relenting on this one.  Plus, what the hell else was I going to do?  I don’t have a blog of my own so I had to relent.  That, dear reader, is called leverage.

Rule #2:  I can’t embarrass her or Outwines.  This one may be a bit more difficult as embarrassing Noelle is kinda my calling card.  If I’m a one trick pony, that’s my trick – and if I don’t my saying so, I’m otherworldly great at it.  Nonetheless, I will endeavor not to dilute her personal brand or bring shame upon the House of Outwines in any manner over the course of the next week.  After that, all bets are off.

Rule #3:  I have to be content appropriate.   I actually have to commit to blogging about wine, the craft of blogging, the conference, and our time in Walla Walla.   What she really means is that I can’t use this space to unleash my repressed stand-up comedian chops or provide you with my take on the current state of the world (we are all totally fucked).

Rule #4:  I can’t swear too much.   Late entry inserted after she read Rule #3 above.  Kindly disregard – won’t happen again (it totally will).

Rule #5:  I have to commit to learning about wine and blogging.    It is a wine bloggers conference, so this seems like a reasonable request.

His 5 Rules of the Road:

Rule #1:  No Emojis.   Hemingway didn’t use ’em so neither will I.   The fact that emojis didn’t exist during Papa’s time is totally irrelevant.

Rule #2:   Social Media Delivery.   Noelle is required to post on Outwines’ Instagram & Twitter accounts a link to my blog entries (including #WBC18 tags!).  I could see her conveniently “forgetting” to promote my spectacularly insightful content so this is a win for me now that she’s contractually obligated.

Rule #3:  No Outlines.   My wife kicked my ass in law school which I attribute primarily to two things: (i) she’s much smarter than me; and (ii) her unfailing ability to learn subject matter via the outlining format.  She has migrated this ability to the world of wine and this blog as she continues to outline her way through the WSET world.   I have neither the time nor the cerebral ability to do the same.

Rule #4:  I get to write in my voice from my perspective.  I’m an outsider to the worlds of wine and blogging – thus my perspective will be through those dual lenses.   I can (and most certainly will) ask stupid questions – so be it.

Rule #5:  I get to have a beer once in a while – and can even blog about it.  I’ve seen the agenda, tasting schedules, and field trips to various Walla Walla wineries – that’s a lot of wine.   I need to break it up with a Kölsch once in a while, and we’re conveniently staying close to Public House 124, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

Well, that just about puts a bow on my very first blog entry.   The rules have been clearly established and I’m ready for the conference.  Now let’s see if Noelle will let me borrow her laptop…

… Editors Note: Not fucking happening 😉